Do-It-Yourself Pirate School Report

Hey kids! Need to write a report on piracy? Rather than posting questions on pirate forums like "What can you tell me about pirates?" or "Who was a good pirate and can you write 1000 words in the forum about him for me?", I have a better solution! Introducing the Do-It-Yourself 1000 Word Pirate Report! All you have to do is pick one of the four phrases in each box in the report below to create your own version of a report on piracy which is suitable for framing or wrapping fish. There is an infinite (more than 10) number of combinations, so you can use it again and again!

IMPORTANT NOTE: The author makes no claims to the veracity of this material, especially since he made most of it up. If you actually submit this material to a teacher for a grade, the author will find that immensely amusing, so be sure to post that fact along with the failing grade you get. The author would like to give a tip of the fedora to Daniel Defoe (who may have written great pirate accounts), Philip Gosse (who actually DID write a great pirate dictionary), Friz Freleng (who could time a jig like no one else), and to several posters on the piratesinfo.com board, whose posts I mined, including daniel *(who has clearly read more about piracy than I've read about), Jack_Lindley (who has clearly thought more piracy than I've read about), Tony Malesic (who has clearly written more about piracy than I've read about) and Foxe (who has clearly lived more piracy than I've read about). Thanks also to the inspiration of the usual gang of idiots at Mad Magazine who started writing these things in 1963. ©Mission, 2004)

Early Pirate History

One of the earliest records of piracy was the taking of Julius Caesar probably not recorded since it involved cavemen the top 40 hit "Swingin' with the Sea Shanty" Bill Gates "borrowing" code from Multics which is important because Caesar was a renowned historical figure Daniel Defoe talks about this first in his piracy books, so everyone else must I need to generate 1000 words of this stuff I said so . Caesar was ransomed by the pirates buried, not praised seduced by Elizabeth Taylor a man's man and he seemingly jokingly said he would hunt them down and make them pay tried to escape told the one about how many Visigoths it took to screw in a Roman Lamp wore a long blonde wig and danced a jig . The pirates who captured him found this quite humorous danced with him far into the night celebrated with the ubiquitous punch celebrated with the ubiquitous Judy until Caesar sent a squadron of ships after them they wound up in gaol, which is apparently some kind of typo someone accidentally put their eye out they were photographed in compromising situations . So one can see that piracy is actually very ancient not for the faint of heart rather like Paris in the springtime a dirty job, but someone's got to do it .

An Example From the Golden Age Piracy

A Picture of pirates burying treasure as done by
Howard Pyle, who had the decency to die long
enough ago that his pictures are free from
copyright and can be placed willy~nilly into
scurrilous web pages like this one.

Pirates probably almost never buried
treasure, but it starts this page nice.
And what did Pyle care if it paid the bills? The height, or so called "Golden Age" "Garbled Era" "Pinnacle" "Pineapple" , of piracy was between 1690-1730 narrowly defined as 1700-1725 not fully understood about 12 foot, 6 inches . Although no pirate was typical responsible sensible potable , a good example of someone who was a fairly typical pirate rather dissolute cretin ugly escaped convict jolly good fellow was John Quelch William Fly Pirate Sam Uncle Wiggly . He was a strapping young man the son of a son of a sailor up to his old tricks as corny as Kansas in August and lived a wanton life in Marblehead in the city on the hill in a small wicker basket because his mother had died at childbirth that was his home it was rent controlled the evil gerbil made him . In 1706, this future pirate was just beginning his sea career discovered in a pub drinking punch eaten by rabid wolves painted chartreuse .

Seeking better fortunes freedom fabulous prizes a 24 hour hold hair spray he hired onto a ship went to Bristol danced a merry jig went back to the pub as a seaman a boatswain the mascot long as he was standing there which allowed him to learn more about sailing barely distinguish himself dance a more somber jig 1goggle at racy etchings of Anne Bonny pinned to the walls of the ship . Sensing that honest ship work wouldn't make his fortune was sort of dull was best left to honest ship workers gave you cooties , he decided that the best way to make a quick buck would be to turn pirate an honest day's work only produced an honest day's wages the evil wrought by Sokurah had the world in tumult he didn't know the meaning of the word "tumult". So he incited the crew fished off the back of the ship danced a vicious jig looked up "tumult" by plotting with the less savory sailors spreading rumors of the Captain's incontinency whirling and twirling and acting as a dervish might the old mill stream . Finding some sympathy grave injustice a large turtle his lost keys amongst the rest of the crew the general populace the captain's quarters a lady's dainties , he set the crew against the captain spilled ink on his breeches keelhauled the main brace yelled "Huzzah" which was illegal under British Law complete and utter nonsense the way things go the style at the time .

On September 17^th, 1703 his own volition the day before Valentine's the table at the local Hooters he enacted his plan prepared for what would follow spelled 'cognoscente' correctly got his mojo working by marooning the unsupportive members of the crew challenging the First Mate to a duel anchoring the ship's slip playing an off-tune tuba . He then treated the captain in a most inhumane fashion celebrated the day with some punch vowed to kill all rabbits started Microsoft by giving the captain 40 lashes minus one giving the captain 40 lashes plus one, just to be different using half his wits the hair of his chinny-chin-chin . Then he threw the captain over the side onto a deserted island a big party before he left up in the air and yelled "Heads or tails?"

Pirate Code

With only mutineers left on board he called them on deck revealed to them his secret love of salted pork offered to show them how to Macarena asked them if his waistcoat made him look fat after which they voted on the articles on who had best misused the old captain to wear pink in battle Nixon out of office . The ship's articles were as follows:

I. Every man has a vote and an equal right to provisions. Anyone caught stealing anything from the company, to the value of a piece of eight, will be marooned or shot. Any man who falls behind better darn well catch up. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.

II. If any man runs away, or keeps any secret from the company, he will be marooned. Everyone will take their turn boarding captured ships because they have had a chance to obtain free clothes and they owe the company that much.(I bet some of you think this one's a joke) Any man who falls in front is trampled. When a player has four houses on each property of a complete color-group, he may buy a hotel from the Bank and erect it on any property of that color-group.

III. Anyone who strikes another, shall be punished by Mose's Law [40 stripes minus one] on the bare back. Anyone found seducing a woman and bringing her on board in disguise will suffer death. Anyone found seducing a manatee and claiming he thought it to be a mermaid shall be forced to sleep by himself. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.

IV. The man that smokes tobacco in the hold, without a cap on his pipe or who carries a openly lit candle shall be punished by Mose's Law. Any man caught deserting the ship or his quarters in battle will be punished with death or marooning. Anyone strikes a match off another's unshaven face shall be considered pretty cool. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.

V. Every man shall keep his weapon clean and ready for battle or he shall lose his share of the treasure and may be punished in any way the captain and crew think fit. Fights will be settled on shore with sword and pistol, not on board. Anyone who invokes the right of parley will be looked upon oddly. Five is right out.

VI. Anyone losing a limb during battle will receive 800 pieces of 8 Anyone losing an eye in battle will receive 100 pieces of 8 along with a really keen eye patch. Anyone losing their lunch in battle will receive loud jeers from the company. Six, six, pick up sticks.

Everyone then signed these articles and burned them. threw them over the side. drank more punch. forgot to read the fine print.

The crew then voted to make the head-mutineer captain drink even MORE punch take a 5-minute smoke break table the motion until next meeting whereby our "hero" became Captain Quelch Captain Fly very intoxicated the most likely to be hunted like a dog . A flag was designed by the crew which showed a skeletal devil striking a bleeding heart. a funny looking bald man holding a spear piercing a heart in one hand and an hourglass in theother. a boy with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead. that somebody should have at least minored in Art before deciding to design a flag. Many pirates created such a flag which has come to be known as the Jolly Roger the Old Roger the Rogering Roger Roger Moore a term derived from the French phrase "jolie rouge" which means pretty red happy Roger upbeat makeup mayonnaise . This is because a red flag symbolized piracy it was tradition people were generally insane at that time they're French and the French did some pretty odd things . And there was much rejoicing.

Going A-Pirating

The new captain put their next destination to a vote courage to the test punch on the deck spices in alphabetical order . It was unanimously decided to head for St. Christopher St. Kitts St. Louis Idaho and see what fortune brought them. the wind wrought. they could see. color the trees were there.

On the way, the first ship they met with was a sloop pink green aircraft carrier and with a cry of "No quarter given!" "Avast there, me hearty maties!" "Shiver me timbers!" "Tie me kangaroo down, mate!" they plundered and released stole the rigging from blundered made faces at them. From this ship, they took, three hogsheads of beef, 20 chests of sugar and 15 rolls of tobacco several spars, yards of sailcloth and rigging peace, justice and the American way three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree . Encouraged by their success the direction of the wind these glad tidings their Zig Ziglar tapes they continued to search for a new prize more punch the lost city of Atlantis the missing link . They were fortunate indeed and they took several ships things that didn't belong to them some measure of caution to smoking hemp . Among the vessels they captured on the way to their destination were the Edward and Elizabeth Robin and Marion Hedge Hog and Hog's Head Simon and Garfunkel , the Admiral Adamant Adammit Adulterant , the Fortune Discover Walter Kennedy Edmund Fitzgerald Chilly Fitzwilly , the Mary, the Martha and the Madre de Dios the Rojo, the Verde and the Azul Morado the Whydah, the Whodah and the Howdoya Dodah the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria . From these vessels, they obtained a great deal of plunder including food, drink, gold and gold dust slaves, salves, sacks and stew meat stoats, goats, yaks, and old gnus everything but the kitchen sink, but only because it hadn't been invented yet, and enlisted 20 men 6 slaves a trained monkey act in the Russian army which helped them to achieve their evil designs.

Upon reaching their destination, they attempted to negotiate with bribe convince twiddle the Governor, Thomas Warner Sydney Godolphin Weatherby Swann Pitt the even Younger played by Woodes Rogers Jonathan Pryce Vincent Price Toshiro Mifune for the sale of their plunder. The Governor, suspecting they were pirates peculiar pixies pronouns , refused to deal with them ignored them completely was out golfing when they asked for him asked them to teach him some sea shanties . This so enraged the pirate captain that he raided the town set fire to the ships in the port started talking like Donald Duck turned the other cheek . The crew captain captain's parrot blind, three legged dog named 'Lucky' then decided to head for Madagascar Newfoundland Oldlostland the fountain of youth . Once they arrived, they sold their cargo their souls seashells by the seashore the island of Manhattan for $24 and proceeded to debauch, careen their ship dance a golden jig o directly to Gaol(typo) without passing Go) .

Their Demise

Unfortunately for our pirate crew, the attack on the port at St. Christopher the Good Ship Lollipop civil liberties Pearl Harbor was to create a problem for them havoc on shore the New Deal a masterpiece which would eventually be their undoing cause Customs to refuse them admittance put them in a world of hurt lead to moral turpitude . The Governor of St Christopher some godforsaken Caribbean island Massachusetts your car's engine got a proclamation issued for the apprehension of pirates all jammed up a good tip on the ninth race his panties in a twist which led to the mounting of a man of war ship a new cannon his governor's horse a stuffed parrot which went looking for the pirates blasted the be-jeesus out of them didn't take kindly to being mounted wasn't really dead – it was just resting .

Meanwhile, the pirates had careened their ship in some small bay awoken with hangovers swabbed the deck 'till you could eat off of it dinner with the Caribe Indians which put them out of commission for a fortnight made them unready for battle give a certain luster to the proceedings heralded the first Thanksgiving . When the pirate hunters showed up, the pirates were caught by surprise unawares with their pants down dancing the careening jig so the man-of-war took them without a fight with a fight, but not a very interesting one out on the town some nice tea cozies and brought them back to St. Christopher be tried for their crimes Ole Virginny the future .

Most of the pirates were sentenced to hang by the neck until dead life in prison without parole be stoned get stoned . Records indicate that only three men were acquitted show long, detailed, boring lists of people you didn't know and don't care about are hazy on this point went out of style with the advent of CDs . The men to be hung were given an opportunity to repent for their sins dance their final jig drink a bowl of punch re-enact "the Wiz" with Nipsey Russell as the Tin Man . Some took this opportunity and made impassioned speeches about not falling into the life they had fallen into taking the easy road to riches mixing your whites and colors in the wash talking with your mouth full others made rude comments and were defiant said things like "They were poor Rogues and fo hang'd, while others, no lefs Guilty in another Way, efcaped" which suggests that they may have gone mad in captivity demanded that they have a better lawyer assigned to them said "We'd have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids" .

A Pirate's Life for You

Many people think a pirate's life was romantic interesting sort of grimy all wine, women and song when, in fact, nothing could be farther from the truth it really was these people smoke too much ganja Cuba is only 90 miles from the continental United States . With that in mind, I would like to examine the true lifestyle of pirates to discuss some of the legends associated with pirates one million dollars in small unmarked bills or I will continue writing …I would like? I would like a trip to Europe! .

Ship-Board Life

Let's begin by examining ship-board life our navels to increase your understanding of this period so that we can put some rumors to rest because I have several hundred words to go to finish this report because it's tradition and no one durst question tradition . Despite what you see in the movies, a pirate's life was often quite dull was very rigorous didn't involve Errol Flynn involved a lot of water .

Pirates actually spent a lot of time scouting for ships to prey upon doing maintenance on their ship washing their winter woolies dancing various jigs and drinking punch . The ships they sailed on were dependant upon the winds the waters Evinrude bean burritos to propel them which weren't always reliable. If the winds the tides sea turtles OPEC weren't cooperative, a ship could become becalmed dodgy the object of desire you . To make matters worse, when a ship wasn't moving they couldn't hunt for prey ships the supplies would rapidly diminish everyone with "sea legs" got dizzy and fell over the crew went a little crazy and put on taffeta and silk . Many's the pirate captain who almost wound up with a mutinous crew over "bad luck" nearly died of thirst because they ran out of water ate his parrot because he was starving wondered just what the &*$# "Shiver me timbers" meant .

The Crew

While no pirate crew was identical nobody knows for sure nobody knows the trouble you've seen no one cares at this point there were a couple officers common to many ships. These included the boatswain, gunner, quartermaster and carpenter 1^st Lieutenant, Leftenant, Midshipman and Surgeon 8^th Lieutenant, Rightenant, backshipman and Indian chief Bob and Ted and Carol and Alice . A boatswain's job was to oversee the maintenance of the ship to make sure work was being done efficiently like a coxswain's job, only different shivering the timbers . The gunner was responsible for overseeing the aiming of the guns the safety of the men who were loading and firing the guns the gunnery, which is not at all like a nunnery making sure the punch was fresh . The carpenter saw to the reparation of the ship, to the plugging of leaks. many things he never mentioned in polite company. what he could see at sea . Of course, no pirate crew would be complete without a quartermaster Errol Flynn a guy with a peg leg a set of Ginsu knives the quartermaster was expected to make sure the interests of the crew were kept in mind ration supplies and delegate work keep one fourth of the mast lead the jigs .

Many of these marauders maintained a menacing mien mild manner mildewed missionary magic mirror . It was good for business their image nothing the commonwealth because it caused many ships to surrender without a fight helped keep the rest of the crew in line got them more face time in the local media looked good on their resumes . One great proponent of a fierce visage was Blackbeard Bluebeard Stickybeard not found in the website I swiped this report from . Blackbeard put lit fuses live vermin pink bows Beard Magic® in his beard to make him look more scary, make others think he was a demon. accessorize. idle away the hours.

Most pirates were generally quite dirty disease ridden always looking for a bit of sport never there when you needed them which added to their menace fierce appearance troubles sum total . Clothing was obtained from the people on board the ships they pillaged anywhere they could find them Pirates Be Us the Salvation Army in fact clothing was sometimes used as an incentive to get the crew to board ships auctioned washed, but not often superfluous for the Piratical Toga Parties .

Food

A picture of Blackbeard (since I mentioned him and, you guessed it, the pic is
old enough to be out of copyright). I've seen bumper stickers that say,
"What Would Blackbeard Do?" I think what he'd do if he saw this picture is
run the artist who drew it right through. The fare aboard a pirate ship was sometimes a mean menu indeed consisted of whatever they could steal or trade for wasn't fair was as high as £2, one way . It was probably as varied as the number of different nationalities of pirates the pirates were able to make it the menu at a Holiday Inn it was interesting . Among the things pirates ate were salted pork salted beef a salted battery their young and sea turtles fish mermaids head cheese . A real treat for a pirate was salmagundi which was a stew that might contain many things made from whatever was handy on board disgusting to behold a really stupid poem . Although some scholars suggest they didn't eat fish dragon many fool things carbs because of superstition the sea hag might get them they were too busy "cutting bait" of the mercury content . It is likely that some pirates fished while the boat was underway when becalmed for mermaids for change in their pockets . Of course, the most important part of their menu was rum grog punch the fine print at the bottom . Spirits tended to make them braver in battle more fierce spirited frightened of dark corners . So the captain saw to it that there was plenty of alcohol. punch was available. Judy was available.

Health

A pirate's life wasn't a very healthy one conducive to good hygiene bare breasts and ankles all the way for you .

Pirates ran a great risk of contracting illnesses such as fluxes, aploxies and cholera dysentery, fever and intestinal infection the mange the trots and lead poisoning cuts, bruises and hangings . A common condition among the sea-going folk was scurvy, home sickness skin suffocation lust which could be counteracted by eating vitamin C-rich foods going home leaving a bare patch just above the spine …you know . Part of the problem was that there were so many men on board they were in the tropics where disease was rampant there weren't enough Rite Aids to go around they ate too much candy .

Conclusion

In conclusion, I conclude that piracy was a difficult life wasn't all it was cracked up to be makes good fodder for romance novels was more exciting than researching and writing this report . It has always existed a long history the makings of a good movie never existed, it's all an illusion and will continue to exist as long as it's viable completely disappear once you awaken from this nightmare probably be the subject of many movies now that "Pirates of the Caribbean" made so much money not be any concern of mine as soon as I finish this paragraph . A final question that may have arisen in your mind by now is, " Did people turn pirate primarily to make money?" Is piracy still a viable way of life?" Do pirates put jam on their toast or don't they put jam on their toast. And, if not, why not?" Does the author have some weird fascination with punch, mermaids, jigs and turtles? Or what?" The answer to which is yes no irrelevant at this point because no one could have possibly read this far I honestly don't know, nor do I care . Thank you. I can't believe you made it to the end of this mess.

Now that you've spent you may be looking for a way to print this report. Well, the jokes on you because I didn't actually make that possible. Hope you enjoyed playing around with the report, though. :)