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Do-It-Yourself Pirate School Report

Hey kids! Need to write a report on piracy? Rather than posting questions on pirate forums like "What can you tell me about pirates?" or "Who was a good pirate and can you write 1000 words in the forum about him for me?", I have a better solution! Introducing the Do-It-Yourself 1000 Word Pirate Report! All you have to do is pick one of the four phrases in each box in the report below to create your own version of a report on piracy which is suitable for framing or wrapping fish. There is an infinite (more than 10) number of combinations, so you can use it again and again!

IMPORTANT NOTE: The author makes no claims to the veracity of this material, especially since he made most of it up. If you actually submit this material to a teacher for a grade, the author will find that immensely amusing, so be sure to post that fact along with the failing grade you get. The author would like to give a tip of the fedora to Daniel Defoe (who may have written great pirate accounts), Philip Gosse (who actually DID write a great pirate dictionary), Friz Freleng (who could time a jig like no one else), and to several posters on the piratesinfo.com board, whose posts I mined, including daniel *(who has clearly read more about piracy than I've read about), Jack_Lindley (who has clearly thought more piracy than I've read about), Tony Malesic (who has clearly written more about piracy than I've read about) and Foxe (who has clearly lived more piracy than I've read about). Thanks also to the inspiration of the usual gang of idiots at Mad Magazine who started writing these things in 1963. ©Mission, 2004)

Early Pirate History

One of the earliest records of piracy was which is important because . Caesar was and he seemingly jokingly . The pirates who captured him until . So one can see that piracy is .

An Example From the Golden Age Piracy

A Picture of pirates burying treasure as done by
Howard Pyle, who had the decency to die long
enough ago that his pictures are free from
copyright and can be placed willy~nilly into
scurrilous web pages like this one.

Pirates probably almost never buried
treasure, but it starts this page nice.
And what did Pyle care if it paid the bills?
The height, or so called , of piracy was . Although no pirate was , a good example of someone who was a was . He was and lived because . In 1706, this future pirate was .

Seeking he as which allowed him to . Sensing that honest ship work , he decided that So he by . Finding amongst , he which was .

On he by . He then by . Then he threw the captain

Pirate Code

With only mutineers left on board he after which they voted . The ship's articles were as follows:







Everyone then signed these articles and

The crew then voted to whereby our "hero" became . A flag was designed by the crew which showed Many pirates created such a flag which has come to be known as a term derived from the French phrase "jolie rouge" which means . This is because . And there was much rejoicing.

Going A-Pirating

The new captain put their . It was unanimously decided to head for and see what

On the way, the first ship they met with was a and with a cry of they plundered and them. From this ship, they took, . Encouraged by they continued to search for . They were fortunate indeed and they took . Among the vessels they captured on the way to their destination were the , the , the , . From these vessels, they obtained a great deal of plunder including and enlisted which helped them to achieve their evil designs.

Upon reaching their destination, they attempted to the Governor, played by for the sale of their plunder. The Governor, suspecting they were , . This so enraged the pirate captain that he . The then decided to head for . Once they arrived, they sold and proceeded to .

Their Demise

Unfortunately for our pirate crew, the attack on was to create which would eventually . The Governor of got which led to the mounting of which .

Meanwhile, the pirates had which . When the pirate hunters showed up, the pirates were caught so the man-of-war took them and brought them back to .

Most of the pirates were sentenced to . Records . The men to be hung were given an opportunity to . Some took this opportunity and made impassioned speeches about not others .

A Pirate's Life for You

Many people think a pirate's life was when, in fact, . With that in mind, I would like .

Ship-Board Life

Let's begin by examining . Despite what you see in the movies, a pirate's life .

Pirates actually spent a lot of time . The ships they sailed on were dependant upon to propel them which weren't always reliable. If weren't cooperative, a ship could become . To make matters worse, when a ship wasn't moving . Many's the pirate captain who .

The Crew

While there were a couple officers common to many ships. These included . A boatswain's job was . The gunner was responsible for . The carpenter saw . Of course, no pirate crew would be complete without the quartermaster was expected to .

Many of these marauders maintained a . It was good for because it . One great proponent of a fierce visage was . Blackbeard put in his beard to

Most pirates were which added to their . Clothing was obtained from in fact clothing was sometimes .


A picture of Blackbeard (since I mentioned him and, you guessed it, the pic is
old enough to be out of copyright). I've seen bumper stickers that say,
"What Would Blackbeard Do?" I think what he'd do if he saw this picture is
run the artist who drew it right through.
The fare aboard a pirate ship . It was probably as varied as . Among the things pirates ate were and . A real treat for a pirate was salmagundi which was . Although some scholars suggest they didn't eat because . It is likely that some pirates fished . Of course, the most important part of their menu was . Spirits tended to make them . So the captain saw to it that


A pirate's life wasn't .

Pirates ran a great risk of contracting illnesses such as . A common condition among the sea-going folk was which could be counteracted by . Part of the problem was .


In conclusion, I conclude that piracy . It has and will . A final question that may have arisen in your mind by now is, " The answer to which is . Thank you. I can't believe you made it to the end of this mess.

Now that you've spent you may be looking for a way to print this report. Well, the jokes on you because I didn't actually make that possible. Hope you enjoyed playing around with the report, though. :)