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Santa Maria Pirate Weekend, September 2009 - Columbus, OH

Mission holding a trepan
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
Mission the surgeon - who is obviously running
out of instruments to feature - holds his trepan
Introduction: Herein lies the last will and...no wait. Let me start over. Herein lies the true facts as relates to the odd new holiday called Talk Like a Pirate Day aboard the good ship Santa Maria which lies in the Scioto river in Columbus, Ohio as written by the black spy (who was created by Antonio Prohias) who is also known as Mission the Surgeon (right). Includes full accounting of all battles, weddings, bar nights and hangovers that were encompassed by that event.

Chapter 1st: Of his arrival, including a complete lack of good photos to illustrate what happened, and so skipping to Saturday morning, the date of the actual holiday that is now celebrated by pirate reenactments the world over. Or maybe just in the US. (Do you really care?)

When I arrived at the Santa Maria on Friday night, all the pirates had gone across the river on one of the boats to harass folks at the art festival taking place over there. (I'm told that Michael, who was rowing, ran into the water fire. I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds funny, so there it is.) George aka. "Smitty" was hanging around the gangplank while a practice dinner for the wedding that was to take place on the ship tomorrow was underway. So we stood there chatted until our pirates returned and the wedding people left.

George aka. smitty in pirate garb
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
Rosabella lying on the captain's bed
(Photo: Count D'Booty)
Left: George aka. Smitty. What a helpful chap.

Once the wedding folks were gone, someone broke out the rum and we imbibed, despite the Thatcher kids' attempts to steal and hide it. Fortunately, Rosabella (at right - on the captain's bed for some reason), sat in such a position that she could hide the bottles under her skirt. Being the children's project coordinator for the Brethren of the Great Lakes, she should know all about thwarting children.


An advertisement featuring Road Runner
(Photo: Mission's Collection)

People hanging around the front of the Santa Maria
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
Saturday Morning - Being an account of...well, Saturday morning. At least as much as I saw of it upon returning from the Holiday Inn.

On the way into Columbus from the outlying hostelry, I spotted a wonderful 3D rendering of the roadrunner. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I stopped to get a photo of this (above). I wondered how they got the copyright to the ol' RR, but discovered that it's all explained in the fine print.

Upon arriving shipboard -although it was around 11am- I found everything in disarray; people were still dressing (see right) and breakfast was underway. Breakfast consisted of remarkably grey eggs (below left), that were even more grey than the ones at Paynetown.

Grey/yellow eggs
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
Folks having breakfast on the Santa Maria
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
Left: Uh, I will not eat them, Sam I Am. Not with a goat, or with a stoat, or on a boat...wait...

Callenish Gunner explained to me that the eggs were grey because they were cooked in bacon grease. I'll admit that it's been over ten years since I had bacon, but I don't remember eggs turning grey from cooking them that way. But who am I to doubt Callenish?

They must have gone down OK, as everyone seemed more than happy to sprawl all over the deck and partake of this grey feast, as seen at right.


Isabella putting on her earings
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
Isabella's jewelry box, filled with topazs
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
Rosabella, of "hiding the bottles under her skirt" fame, was applying copious quantities of bright blue jewelry, which interested me, being a fan of bright blue myself.

It turns out her birth stone is topaz, which sounded familiar - probably because it turned out to be my birth stone too, which has not otherwise proven relevant to me thus far. She explained that some of her jewelry was Swiss Topaz, which, as she said had been explained to her, is "one ion off from a diamond."


Mark securing something to the side of the Santa Maria
(Photo: Your Wacky Surgeon)
Pirate looking over the side as Mark works
(Photo: Someone with a camera)
In addition to the mad (non-grey) scramble involved in hiding all the non-period bed clothes, several things were being tied up. Mark Gist (left) of the Pirates of the Scioto was busily tying a wee-tiny rope ladder which your surgeon had promised to scale during the battles this weekend. Because he was working, an appreciative crowd formed to watch (but not to offer help - right).

Also tying one on was George "Smitty" who attached my gibbeted creation Becky to the ship so she could greet borders. (She's very much like the folks at the doors of Wal~Marts everywhere.) George did not put her up last night because he is a complete wuss who knuckles under to every mother-in-law who comes down the pike trying to deprive the bride of a fun addition to the wedding party. Fortunately, Count d'Booty, one of the founders of the Brethren of the Great Lakes, helped him (below).

Smitty putting up Becky in her gibbet 1
(Photo: Mission's Collection)
Smitty putting up Becky in her gibbet 2
(Photo: More of Mission's)
Smitty putting up Becky in her gibbet 3
(Photo: Still More of Mission's)

A cannon sitting on a trailer behind a truck
(Photo: Surgeon's Rule!)
Callenish Gunner holds his new sword
(Photo: On the Spot Johnny)
Sensing that the opening of the boat was fast approaching, I returned to my vehicle to retrieve a sword I had picked up from Michael's place. On the way back to the ship, I spotted proof that piracy was afoot (left). It's just something you don't see every day...come to think of it, if I were sitting behind him in traffic, I'd be happy about that.

When I brought the sword to Michael, he gave it to Callenish Gunner, who openly weeped. Turns out that Callenish spotted this sword at an event. He wandered about that event telling everyone he knew about his desire to own it. Resolving to buy it, he returned to find it gone! He called the company to try and have them send him one, but it turned out Salty had bought it before he could as a gift and had Kate sneak it home in her skirt. See, pirates are really quite giving people.

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